Trends I Hate: Stiletto Nails
Beyonce, Lady Gaga and Rihanna…ladies, you look like WITCHES with those silly pointy fingernails.
How do you text? How do you put on pantyhose? How do you pick your nose? I know you have all manner of assistants to help you complete every day tasks that would be impossible for a normal woman with Stiletto Nails…but does your assistant wipe your ass for you, too? Seriously – all kinds of feminine care and hygiene are a dangerous proposition with those harpy claws.
So Stiletto Nails are all about luxury. This is the manicure that says, “I don’t have shit to do.” No dishes to wash, no diapers to change and definitely no foreplay. This is the manicure that says, “Touching a penis is below me.” This is the manicure that says, “My children have a nanny, so I don’t have to worry about accidentally putting one of their eyes out while giving them a bath.”
Thanks, but no thanks celebrity trendsetters. You can keep your ugly witch fingers. I’ll be over her with my old-lady-looking rounded tips.
They’re in my head!
I am starting to think that those Julep people are stalking me. How else are they able to keep churning out products that seem like they are created JUST for me?
It’s no secret that The Wizard of Oz is my favorite movie. (I actually just bought the 75th Anniversary Collector’s Edition Blu Ray…and I don’t even own a Blu Ray player. Duh.) I would only answer to the name “Dorothy” when I was 4. Short of a tattoo, I don’t think I could be any more obsessed. It goes without saying that when the set popped into the Julep Secret Store for $19.99, I snatched it up immediately.
The set includes 4 full size polishes – “Ruby Slippers” (red glitter), “Tin Man” (silver holographic), “Glinda” (light pink frost) and “Emerald City” (emerald creme). I was mildly irritated that the inside of the box was a little mangled around the Tin Man, but I’ll try not to whine too much…
Classy, not Brassy
I tried and tried and tried to come up with a filthy way to describe this manicure, but I simply couldn’t. It’s too classy.
So that’s what it’s called – Classy.
I used Julep “Lois” – not for the color necessarily, but to hide the blue stains on my nails from the last paint job. I then topped with Julep “Oscar”. The results were stunning. If light isn’t hitting the glitter directly, it’s almost a nude look…but as soon as light hits the glitter, it’s like each finger is a miniature gold disco ball. My husband busted me staring at my fingers last night. I tried to explain to him that if you had little disco balls on your fingertips, you wouldn’t be able to stop looking at them either!
I feel that I have disappointed you. I promise that I’ll try to be filthier in the future.
Superman Dat Ho
Why yes, I DO get all my ideas from Urban Dictionary.
Superman Dat Ho is a base coat of Rimmel 60 Second “Blue Eyed Girl”, topped with a coat of Julep “America” – red, white and silver glitter, with silver stars. I LURVES it!
In related fragrance sample news, I tried the Versace sample that I got from Ulta yesterday. It was SO FOUL that my husband demanded that I take a shower. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to shower again and had to leave the house. As soon as I got back home from Lily’s gymnastics class, I scrubbed up to the elbows with AntiBac, like a fucking surgeon. I can still kind of smell it.
To be fair, it might have been men’s cologne. Whatever it was, it was GROSS.
I Love You, You Love Me
…We’re a happy family…
Admit it, you sang it in your head, too.
I can’t help but think of that big, ugly purple dinosaur when I look at my fingernails. They’re just so…purple…
I used Julep “Rosa” – Amethyst for February on top of Julep “Elle”. Honestly, I’m not in love with this paint job. I screwed up my thumbnail and the glitter got covered with the purple and the glitter doesn’t look right. I need either a darker glitter over the dark base or a lighter base to go with the light glitter. “Rosa” looked a lot better over a lighter color on my toes a few weeks ago.
See how I grip the bottle with my toes?
I have the prehensile toes of a monkey.
I painted my toes on Sunday with Maybelline Color Show Holographic in “Mystic Green.” Rather than anything mystic, this color reminds me of a crushed velvet sofa from the 70s. I look at my toes and I think of mothballs…
I wish I could think of where I saw that sofa…or maybe was it a chair? Maybe my sister’s old apartment?
This is going to eat me up until I remember…
March Julep Maven Box
I am supposed to be an “It Girl”, but I haven’t actually gotten an “It Girl” box since the first month I joined.
This month, I actually picked the “Core Classics” box, because I couldn’t stand ANY of the colors in ANY of the Julep box combinations. This month’s theme was “the Riviera Collection” and all of the colors looked like the pastel colors you’d see on Country Club golfers. And NO glitter. I also wasn’t interested in an exfoliating lip buffer.
The “Core Classics” box has Freedom Polymer Topcoat (so popular that it often sells out), Oxygen Nail Treatment (I don’t even know what that means) and a nail cleaning tool, which I already happen to have. C’est la vie…at least there was some candy in the box.
Hoping for something better next month…
Not a Julep Maven? CLICK HERE to join! Your first box is free with code FREEBOX!
The Rusty Trombone
Behold…THE RUSTY TROMBONE.
If you don’t know what a Rusty Trombone is, I am not going to be the one to tell you. Go ask your kid or something, you old fuddy duddy.
There are many layers to this manicure. The first layer is Sally Hansen Nail Prisms in “Amber Ruby.” It was the closest thing to rust that I had. The second coat is Julep “Glenda” – a creamy silver crackle. Since trombones are usually made of brass, I used Milani 3D Holographic “510” as the third layer. (WTF Milani?)
After 3 coats, my nails were super gooey, so I topped with a coat of Sally Hansen “Diamond Flash Quick Drying Topcoat.” It’s been over 5 hours and I don’t feel like the polish has cured. Hmmm…this rusty trombone might not last long…
Another day, another surprise in my mailbox.’
I tried to resist, but I only made it about 3 days until I decided that I had to buy $25 of Julep goodies to get their Oscar “Gift with Purchase.” The set was called “Everybody Wins” and comes with a gold sequined clutch (lined with leopard!) and 2 polishes. There were actually 2 sets – both come with “Oscar”gold glitter, but “Holly Would” comes with a holly green frost and “Rita Royale” comes with royal blackcurrant shimmer. (Whatever, it’s fucking fuchshia.)
To get these goodies, I purchased “Party’s Over”, a special glitter polish removal system. Basically little caps that hold a remover pad of the finger. I also got “Glenda” – a- silver crackle topcoat. I know crackle is so 2012, but I wanted it…
My total – $25.39. Like a boss.