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Trends I Hate: Stiletto Nails

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Beyonce, Lady Gaga and Rihanna…ladies, you look like WITCHES with those silly pointy fingernails.

How do you text? How do you put on pantyhose? How do you pick your nose? I know you have all manner of assistants to help you complete every day tasks that would be impossible for a normal woman with Stiletto Nails…but does your assistant wipe your ass for you, too? Seriously – all kinds of feminine care and hygiene are a dangerous proposition with those harpy claws.

So Stiletto Nails are all about luxury. This is the manicure that says, “I don’t have shit to do.” No dishes to wash, no diapers to change and definitely no foreplay. This is the manicure that says, “Touching a penis is below me.” This is the manicure that says, “My children have a nanny, so I don’t have to worry about accidentally putting one of their eyes out while giving them a bath.”

Thanks, but no thanks celebrity trendsetters. You can keep your ugly witch fingers. I’ll be over her with my old-lady-looking rounded tips.

 

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My 1st Ipsy Bag

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Once I get started…I keep going and going and going…

So I signed up for Ipsy – a monthly makeup bag subscription. It’s only $10 and you get a different makeup bag each month, with 4-5 products.

This month’s theme is “Destination Beauty”. I received an NYX Love in Rio 3 Color Shadow Palette “The Brazilian”, bare Minerals Marvelous Moxie Lipstick in “Get Ready”, Chella Eyeliner Pen in “Indigo”…and Pixi Flawless Beauty Primer. What the FUCK is up with primers? Send me some damn BB Cream!

If you’d like to try Ipsy – click here. I’ll earn 250 points if you sign up through my link.

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They’re in my head!

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I am starting to think that those Julep people are stalking me. How else are they able to keep churning out products that seem like they are created JUST for me?

It’s no secret that The Wizard of Oz is my favorite movie. (I actually just bought the 75th Anniversary Collector’s Edition Blu Ray…and I don’t even own a Blu Ray player. Duh.) I would only answer to the name “Dorothy” when I was 4. Short of a tattoo, I don’t think I could be any more obsessed. It goes without saying that when the set popped into the Julep Secret Store for $19.99, I snatched it up immediately.

The set includes 4 full size polishes – “Ruby Slippers” (red glitter), “Tin Man” (silver holographic), “Glinda” (light pink frost) and “Emerald City” (emerald creme). I was mildly irritated that the inside of the box was a little mangled around the Tin Man, but I’ll try not to whine too much…

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Classy, not Brassy

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I tried and tried and tried to come up with a filthy way to describe this manicure, but I simply couldn’t. It’s too classy.

So that’s what it’s called – Classy.

I used Julep “Lois” – not for the color necessarily, but to hide the blue stains on my nails from the last paint job. I then topped with Julep “Oscar”. The results were stunning. If light isn’t hitting the glitter directly, it’s almost a nude look…but as soon as light hits the glitter, it’s like each finger is a miniature gold disco ball. My husband busted me staring at my fingers last night. I tried to explain to him that if you had little disco balls on your fingertips, you wouldn’t be able to stop looking at them either!

I feel that I have disappointed you. I promise that I’ll try to be filthier in the future.

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Hoarding Exhibit 3: The Shower

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If my AntiBac collection was exhibit 1 and my lotion basket was exhibit 2, then my shower stall is exhibit 3 in .

“Pure Paradise”. “Mad About You”. “Butterfly Flower”. “Paris in Bloom”. “Carried Away”. “Black Raspberry Vanilla”. “Carried Away”. “Into the Wild”.

Oh…and up top, Lush Pure Rose, Herbal Essences and Caress “Daily Silkening” Body Washes…and “Carried Away” Sugar Scrub.

I’ve got more issues than National Geographic.

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Superman Dat Ho

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Why yes, I DO get all my ideas from Urban Dictionary.

Superman Dat Ho is a base coat of Rimmel 60 Second “Blue Eyed Girl”, topped with a coat of Julep “America” – red, white and silver glitter, with silver stars. I LURVES it!

In related fragrance sample news, I tried the Versace sample that I got from Ulta yesterday. It was SO FOUL that my husband demanded that I take a shower. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to shower again and had to leave the house. As soon as I got back home from Lily’s gymnastics class, I scrubbed up to the elbows with AntiBac, like a fucking surgeon. I can still kind of smell it.

To be fair, it might have been men’s cologne. Whatever it was, it was GROSS.

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Free Ulta Goodies

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Ulta is so weird. They shipped all my “Gifts with Purchase” in a separate shipment than what I actually paid for. Why would they pay the extra shipping on stuff they’re giving my for free? Whatever…

I got a free StriVectin Age-Fighting Kit – let’s face it, I’m brushing up against the underside of 40. I’m about to have to start buying this stuff for real. There’s eye cream, wrinkle cream and neck tightening cream. Oh my…I wonder what else it will tighten.

I also got samples of Urban Decay Ultra Definition Face and Primer. Everyone is shoving their primers down my throat!

I also got ANOTHER set of fragrance samples. Marc Jacobs “Dot” is alright, but Elizabeth Arden “Untold” smells straight-up Church Lady. Ack. There’s also a Versace sample that I can’t figure out what the name is and another Escada. Speaking of Escada – Lily and I wore the “Especially Escada Delicate Notes” sample today. I wonder if she turned heads as she strutted into the kindergarten classroom? She had to be the best smelling 6 year old there!

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Ulta Shipment!

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It’s only been a few days since I got mail…my mailbox has been so lonely!

I decided to treat myself and get one of the Urban Decay Naked Palettes. I was eyeballing them at Ulta last week and took the plunge. Upon Amy’s suggestion, I went with the Naked 2 Palette. She has Naked 3 and said it was okay, but her daughter has Naked 2 and she likes it better. I am so SINGLE WHITE FEMALE.

I also took Beth’s recommendation and ordered L’Oreal Magic BB Cream. Fingers crossed – I’m trying it tomorrow!

I also had an email offer for a free StriVectin Skincare Kit, but that is coming in a different shipment…odd.

The fun thing about Ulta is that you get Samples with every purchase. I chose the Fragrance Sampler and got Especially Escada, Guess Girl and Calvin Klein Encounter. Encounter is for Men, so the husband gets it. I sniffed it for him and managed to spill it all over my fingers. 3 hours later and a dozen handwashings later and I still smell it. To me, all Calvin Klein scents smell exactly the same. It’s GROSS…and I can’t get it OFF ME.

 

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I Love You, You Love Me

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…We’re a happy family…

Admit it, you sang it in your head, too.

I can’t help but think of that big, ugly purple dinosaur when I look at my fingernails. They’re just so…purple…

I used Julep “Rosa” – Amethyst for February on top of Julep “Elle”. Honestly, I’m not in love with this paint job. I screwed up my thumbnail and the glitter got covered with the purple and the glitter doesn’t look right. I need either a darker glitter over the dark base or a lighter base to go with the light glitter. “Rosa” looked a lot better over a lighter color on my toes a few weeks ago.

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Monkey Toes

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See how I grip the bottle with my toes?

I have the prehensile toes of a monkey.

I painted my toes on Sunday with Maybelline Color Show Holographic in “Mystic Green.” Rather than anything mystic, this color reminds me of a crushed velvet sofa from the 70s. I look at my toes and I think of mothballs…

I wish I could think of where I saw that sofa…or maybe was it a chair? Maybe my sister’s old apartment?

This is going to eat me up until I remember…